NFL Halloween Week: What if NFL Teams Were Horror Movies?

Its Halloween week, and Edgar Allan Poe just turned 200 years of age, so what if each NFL team had a Halloween horror theme?

Some are easy, some hard, but lets take a look at what tricks and treats we find.

Philadelphia Eagles: The Blob

One can make a case for Michael Vick being H.G. Well’s Invisible Man but with a heavy, and bad, offensive line, an over the hill Jeremiah Trotter lead footing around, and Donovan McNabb’s chunky soup extra belly chunk this team seems like a blob.

Washington Commanders: Misery

Owner Daniel Snyder is Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes.

The Redskin fans are James Caan. Stuck, broken, and being tortured mentally and physically each week.

And to make it even more creepy Tom Cruise is having tea with Kathy Bates while the fans are in agony.

That makes the Saw fellow seem like a kind hearted soul.

Annie Wilkes: [Right after smashing Paul’s ankles with a sledgehammer ] God I love you.

Dallas Cowboys: House of Wax

Jerry Jones could star in House of Wax …as a figurine.

So could Tony Romo because when the heat is on Romo, like wax, melts.

And Flozell Adams plays left tackle like he is a frozen, very large, wax figure.

Jerry isn’t Leatherface, maybe Plastic Face, but he has sure taken the chainsaw to the Cowboys since his old buddy Jimmy Johnson left.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre anyone?

New York Giants: Tremors

Suddenly, after being savaged by the New Orleans Saints, something seems not right underneath the G-Men’s foundation.

Time will tell if an angry beast sticks its head up from the ground, likely somewhere in the secondary, and starts tearing this team down.

Is that rumble below the ground?

Minnesota Vikings:The Hitcher

Brad Childress said he wants Brett Favre to play quarterback cool like a serial killer. Favre hitched a ride with the Vikings this year so how about The Hitcher?

And I’m talking about the original traveling serial killer slasher flick with Rutger Hauer, not the poor remake.

The Green Bay Packers: The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave

Not a horror movie but a Saturday Night Live skit with John Belushi as an unwanted guest that just will not leave…the league.

Kind of like the Brett Favre ghost still haunting the Packers

Chicago Bears: Curse of the Werewolf

Curse of the Chicago quarterback? And wouldn’t it be great to see stoic Lovie Smith, just once, go Oliver Reed Hammer film werewolf on the sidelines?

Lovie, while not a great game day adjustment coach, always at least remains calm.

He’s calm even as his poorly prepared team is slaughtered by the Cincinnati Bengals.

Calm while his defense declines year after year. Calm as his offensive line sinks. Calm as the team trades away high draft picks.

If Mike Ditka was on the sidelines for them, Halloween movie picks would be endless.

The Werewolf, Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and Psycho would all make a good start.

Has anyone really checked to see if Ditka isn’t a werewolf?

Detroit Lions: Friday the 13 Part 7

A horror vehicle that started decades ago, seemingly runs forever, and gets worse each sequel. Doesn’t that sound like Detroit?

When will it end?

Los Angeles Rams: The Descent

Always getting lower and lower. And always finding something worse each week. 

Offensive guru Dick Curl might be the Freddy Kruger of the NFL.

Whereever he goes he haunts, and hinders, the offense.

Arizona Cardinals: The Mummy

Remember how mad the Mummy would get if he thought someone was messing with his moldy Mummy money and ancient jewels?

Well that’s how it feels to negotiate a contract with Bill Bidwell.

San Francisco Forty Niners: Alien

When the Niners miss tackles and drop interceptions Coach Mike Singletary gets the look Harry Dean Stanton had just before the alien hatched out of his stomach.

Singletary could channel his old coach, Ditka, and go werewolf on his men but he would likely get fined by Roger Goodell.

The wildcat, not the werewolf, is the in thing now.

Seattle Seahawks: The Green Slime

How about those green slimy throwback jerseys?

They were almost as ugly as a JaMarcus Russell forward pass.

They were almost as ugly as the Oakland Raider offense.

The Green Slime are coming!!

What PR boy monster dug them up?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers The Blair Witch Project

A bad team built on a cheap budget, like Blair Witch, but not nearly as successful.

Expect more budget cuts for the Buc Witch sequel.

Atlanta Falcons: The Birds 

These Dirty Birds have bite.

But will they last?

Carolina Panthers: Magic

John Fox and Jake Delhomme go together like Antony Perkins and that bad puppet in Magic.

They can not bear to be separated no matter how bad things get.

New Orleans Saints: Mars Attacks!

Ack! Ack! Ack!The Saints offense attacks like the Martians hitting the Earth in Mars Attacks.

The Saints attack from all angles.

Ack! Ack! Ack!

Will some defense come up with a Slim Whitman song to stop them?

Las Vegas Raiders: The Shining

Al Davis has made his Raiders into a haunted house. A big old broken house that was once brilliant and glorious but is now bad, mad, and sad.

Al Davis, like mad Jack Torrance in The Shining, walks the Raiders headquarters late at night stopping to talk and drink with ghosts of Raiders past that are only dancing, prancing, and passing the long ball in his head.

Coach Tom Cable does have that ax murderer mojo working so maybe he needs a Jason mask for meetings?

Maybe he already wears one.

And Al does have that Nosferatu look going too.

Does that make Tom Cable Renfield? Or is he Igor?

Fans know this line is coming from Al.

Dracula: Renfield, you have betrayed me!

That’s how it always ends for coaches in Oakland.

The Raiders might be several horror movies playing at once.

In The Mouth of Madness anyone?

Denver Broncos: Ghostbusters

Kyle Orton and crew ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

The Broncos are beating back the ghosts of Broncos teams past.

Can they rid haunted Mile High of the ghosts of Elway past?

Kansas City Chiefs: The Exorcist

Coach Todd Haley takes on the Regan with demon look when he begins screaming on the sidelines.

I’m not sure it’s working out well as a motivational tool.

Los Angeles Chargers: Jaws

In every close game Norv Turner gets the look like he’s in the ocean deep and he’s just seen a big fin…and suddenly that Jaws soundtrack is playing in his head.

It’s third and four..du du du du du….the shark is getting closer.

Swim, Norv, Swim…the fin is getting closer. Closer.

Everyone in the audience knows Norv ain’t gonna make it shore.

Tennessee Titans: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

Who are the bizarre, alien pods that have stolen the bodies of the real Titans?

Jacksonville Jaguars : The Pit and the Pendulum

Watching the dreadful Jags play each week is like waiting for the pendulum to drop during the Spanish Inquisition.

Do fans wants to pay to put under a pendulum?

Jack Del Rio as Vincent Price?

Nah….Price was much more inventive on offense.

Indianapolis Colts: Dracula

Peyton Manning is as cool as the other side of the casket. Maybe linebackers need some stakes in their hands in the two minute drill to stop Drac.

Houston Texans: Frankenstein

Gary Kubiak has been collecting parts for a long time in Houston but the monster never seems to get its act right.

Maybe it’s the Doctors’, not the monster’s fault.

New England Patriots: The Island of Doctor Moreau

Bill Belichick has the secret mad scientist mix down pat.

And like Moreau he patches together an effective defense from a variety of strange parts.

Miami Dolphins: The Re-Animator

Isn’t that what Tuna Parcells does for franchises?

Doesn’t the big boy bring the dead back to life?

New York Jets: It

Is Rex a good Gotham clown or an evil one?

The Buffalo Bills: The Thing

Its cold, abandoned, and something is terribly wrong in the camp.

TO is too quiet. Is that really him or an alien?

Is Wilford Brimley building something wicked in the equipment hut?

Let’s hope its an offensive line.

Pittsburgh Steelers : Dawn of the Dead

Pittsburgh’s own George Romero has to get some Pitt props, and all those Steeler fans have a bit of the Terrible Towel waving zombie walk going on after a dozen Iron City beers.

Don’t let them bite you.

Cleveland Browns: Quarantine

With swine flu, staph infection, and Mad Mangini disease who wants to step near a Browns game?

Cincinnati Bengals: Bride of the Monster

The Bengals are an Ed Wood horror movie type of NFL franchise.

Baltimore Ravens: The Raven

The only team named after a poem and a horror movie. The Poe poem, of course, is legend but the movie had Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and a young Jack Nicholson in it.

That’s skill position players the Ravens could use. Still with Ray Lewis on the squad Slasher could be considered.